Grief is a complex emotional process that manifests in children in different ways. Although the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult life events, children may react to it in surprisingly varied ways. Their response may include crying, anger, and withdrawal, but also sudden behaviour that is often difficult for adults to understand. Some children process loss through play, while others express the same feeling through silence or withdrawal.
The key factor in understanding children's grief is age. Understanding death depends solely on the child's age, their previous experience, and overall maturity. For preschool children, who do not yet understand that death is a final event, it is common for them to expect the deceased person to return or to frequently ask when the person will wake up. It is only at school age, around nine or ten years old, that children come to understand that death is final. Although adolescents and adults are already aware of this, the loss can be just as intense for them, albeit with a greater capacity for abstract thought.
When communicating with a child, parents should be honest, clear, and gentle. It is recommended to explain to the child that the deceased person has died, with the note that their body no longer works. Parents are advised to avoid telling the child that someone has 'passed away' or 'gone away', as such expressions can confuse the child and create unnecessary fears. It is important to note that the child should not be given more information than they can understand at a given age. Parents do not need to be perfect in answering children's questions, and there is no single answer to whether a child should attend the funeral.
The decision to involve a child in the funeral depends on the child's age, their closeness to the deceased, and their readiness to understand what is happening. A child attending the funeral should be explained in advance what they will see. If the child wishes to leave during the ceremony, parents should consider having another adult present to look after the child. On the other hand, if the child does not wish to go to the funeral, they should not be forced. There are many other ways a child can say goodbye to the deceased, such as writing a letter or visiting the grave, which allows the child to process the loss in their own way.
